The Halfway House (2004)

Hoo Boy.

Some of these films, I tell you…

Now I suppose it’s worth noting that this one was directed by Kenneth J. Hall, a long-time special effects guy who worked on a lot of movies, including Critters but is also remembered for directing a rip-off of The Wasp Woman for Fred Olen Ray called Evil Spawn (1987).

Only Fred was not at all happy with the final product and shot some new footage and re-edited it into a new film called The Alien Within three years later.

So we should know already not to expect much from this one, and he definitely delivers on that.  Basically, the film is just softcore nudity, sex and cat fights.

And more softcore sex.  And more nudity.  And more cat fights.

Yeah, there’s a plot about girls mysteriously vanishing and the sister of one of them going undercover at the halfway house where most of the disappearances happen.

Which gives us an excuse for a lot of anti-Catholic stuff, which is dull because they really aren’t very good at it.  Or seem to know much about the Catholic Church.  And clearly don’t have much of a budget as the halfway house is run by the absurdly impossible combination of one Priest (who appears to have no other assignments or responsibilities other than being the Halfway House’s Chaplain) and one nun.

She is, at least, played by Mary Woronov, but even she can’t save the movie.

Not that her performance is up to her standard.

Even stranger is that the girls at this school are wearing all kinds of sexy clothes like tight shorts and halter tops, not to mention makeup and jewelry and not, as we’d expect, the classic Catholic school girl uniform dresses.

Which does make sense in a way when you remember that this movie is far more interested in big boobs than getting even the most minor detail right, but really?  Softcore porn? Catholic schoolgirl uniforms? You really couldn’t see how they would go together?  Really?

But I digress.

Now, the bright spot in this all is that there is a Lovecraftian monster of some sort in the basement (with a few references to Miskatonic University and the Necronomicon) and [Spoiler] Mary Woronov has been feeding girls to it for the usual reason people feed naked girls to demonic beings older than time:

Boobs!

Ummm…I mean:

“Power!”

Although we do know that’s why Kenneth J. Hall is doing it.

And the worst of it is that it is in the last fifteen minutes or so that it really starts being campy fun, particularly as we get to see a lot of that goofy, one-eyed guy-in-a-suit monster and all those badly done tentacles.  It’s sheer bad monster movie goodness.

But then it’s over.

Look, there really aren’t too many reasons to see this one.

Unless you really like boobs.

Then there are plenty of those around to be seen.

Heck, they even let you see the big fat girl’s naked rack.

So, please, just avoid this thing.  You’ll thank yourself if you do…

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