Hoo boy.
Durn them pesky Ruskies! They keep comin’ around and interrupting me when I’m trying to have a cold brewski!
Worse than that, the Russians have invaded and crushed us easily, thanks to their army of Shark-Headed commandos. These were made for them by a brilliant German mad scientist.
Yes, German. Don’t blame me, I didn’t make this thing.
Now some of you may call this a spoiler, but it really comes as no shock when we finally learn that he’s made all those Shark Men so he can take over the world himself.
He’s German, right?
But it’s okay, it’s the USA and all the Rednecks out there rise up and kick some Condrichthyan…
…Whatever you’d call it on a fish man.
Now a quick look at the artwork or trailers will show you that the heads of the shark commandos are the worst papier-mâché masks we’ve ever seen — and, as they don’t have enough good masks to go around, one of them actually has a fin sticking out of a Balaclava helmet, with goggles and only a little bit of the face showing.
As they didn’t have enough BDUs to go around for the American troops, they generally have an American flag or two draped around them somewhere.
But then, they have to: how else could you possibly tell them apart from the Ruskies?
This is the Z movie’s Z movie. I’ve seen a lot of absurdly underfunded films made in someone’s backyard, but Post Apocalyptic Commando Shark manages a truly awe-inspiring combination of over-ambition, amateur acting, filler, terrible jokes, and a non-existent budget. Most of the jokes fall short, we got some silly mad science, and it even ends with not one but two giant monsters.
Of the green screened persuasion, of course.
As with any movie made in someone’s backyard (well, except the ones made by the incomparable Joshua Kennedy. And a few other people who should be an inspiration to us all) we’ve got a lot of characters, most of whom only show up for a scene or two. And, naturally, those scenes don’t have much to do with the rest of the film or the main characters.
…After all, when you are filming a movie on the weekends with an all-volunteer cast, how else will you be able to shoot for the day if your main characters can’t make it? Plus, it’s a great way to get all your friends, neighbors, family, and Kickstarter backers on screen for a moment or two.
Oh, well. There are worse Grade Z movies out there. Not that I’ve ever necessarily watched any of them, but I’ve seen a moment or two of some of the more epically bad efforts on Youtube and believe me, some of them are worse than Post Apocalyptic Commando Shark. And you never know, if you’re into dumb redneck humor, this might be just what you’re looking for.
If so, then pull up that old battered cooler next to the chaise lounge and have a few cold ones while you watch this thing.
You’ll probably need them…
rivets on the poster 