Escape from Galaxy 3 [Giochi erotici nella terza galassia] (1981)

(aka, StarCrash II; Erotic Games in the Third Galaxy)

This is the worst Italian Science Fiction film I have ever seen.

And that is saying a lot.

It gets billed as “StarCrash II” even though it has nothing to do with the other film, other than the presence of a lot of its props and a considerable amount of recycled footage.  it actually has the absolutely best part of that Star Wars ripoff, this incredible — if silly — Death Star-type space station in the shape of a giant hand!  it even shows the fingers curling up for battle, although it isn’t anywhere near as effective as it was in Star Crash.

Now Star Crash was bizarre and colorful and silly and mostly dumb fun even if David Hasselhoff was in it.  This one isn’t.

Instead, it plays out as a dull and mopey soft core exercise.  Princess Belle Star (and it marks a sudden leap of intimacy when the hero ultimately calls her “Princess”) flees the evil, glitter covered Emperor, Oraclon, only to end up on a planet full of toga-wearing survivors of either Atlantis or a nuclear holocaust (I’m not sure the film knows which, either).

Mind you, they are a gentle, peaceful, free-loving sort of people — the kind who plan to kill them, or welcome them warmly, or refuse to let them leave, or carry them about on their shoulders, or engage in carnal relations with them, or whatever else the plot calls for at the moment.  You just can’t tell from one moment to the next where you stand with these people.

So our heroes learn the joys of sex, bathing, nature, and why being a joyless immortal is as dull as this film…

So we get nudity, a lot of dull softcore sex scenes, and learn that love gives us superpowers.  Or something like that.

The music is dire, the dubbing abysmal (most of it with this odd echo) but there is this jumpsuit that Belle Star wears which deserves a mention: it has these large, transparent sections, one exposing half of her torso including one breast (which is barely covered by a silver star) and another which exposes one of her legs and the buttock on the opposite side of her body!  It looks quite uncomfortable — and like something a stripper would wear.  Which does make you wonder why a sexless immortal would dress that way.

Or for that matter wear any of her other clothes!

I think they probably had Barbarella in mind when they made this one, as it has a somewhat similar discovering-the-joys-of-sex moment, and an equally absurd collection of peekaboo outfits.

But at least Barbarella had a strong sense of humor and a lot going on.  It wasn’t slow, dull or mopey — and it didn’t seem as convinced that it had something important to say.

So avoid this one, unless you are willing to work really, really hard trying to find any redeeming features…

And you can see the only one I”m aware of  — that big hand — by watching Star Crash instead.

And I’m sure you’ll enjoy that terrible film a lot more…

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